


Confession

by Houseofhaleth



Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: AU, Gen, Gondolin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-24
Updated: 2013-10-24
Packaged: 2017-12-30 08:53:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1016618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Houseofhaleth/pseuds/Houseofhaleth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After revealing the location of Gondolin to Morgoth, Maeglin was released – and managed to hide what had happened from everyone in the city.<br/>But what if he hadn’t been able to?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confession

An uncomfortable silence filled the house. Idril tried to focus on tidying the bookshelf (which didn’t need tidying). She studied each title to try and block out the two arguments she’d just had. But she was finding it impossible to get the look in Maeglin’s eyes out of her head.

Her cousin rarely had any kind of “look”. He was a master at keeping his face impassive, his voice neutral; he came across as perfectly rational when others were passionate about things. But Idril knew Maeglin did feel passion. The last time he’d let an emotion slip in front of her, it was desire. For her. Even though he knew she didn’t want to be his.

It hadn’t been desire today, however. Recently he had seemed more open and relaxed, and smiles came freely. Many people had noted it and were impressed, but…whether they didn’t see it, or he couldn’t act as well in front of her…there was something else under the surface. A desperation. Today, she snapped at him to stop smiling. He had asked why, but soon she was the one asking the questions, as she demanded to know what was wrong.

As soon as he realised she wasn’t fooled, his smile vanished, just as she’d asked. And as she pressed him, his calm began to break down as he denied everything. It scared her to see him unable to keep his composure, when she’d never seen this in him before. But she carried on. She got her wish when he snapped, shoved her roughly aside, and strode off.

By that time she’d decided it wasn’t desperation he was hiding. It was terror. And despair.

Her second argument of the morning had been along the same lines, but a role reversal, as she came home obviously shaken and refused to tell Tuor why. He’d probably go out after Maeglin if he knew she’d been shoved into a wall, and that wouldn’t help anything. So after snapping at him, he was giving her a moment. He’d probably try again, and then she’d be quite tempted to shove him.

There was a knock on the door, breaking the awkward silence and making her jump. Tuor went to answer it. Idril continued to straighten the straight books.  
‘Maeglin,’ said Tuor, sounding mildly surprised. ‘Come in…is everything alright, my lord?’  
Idril spun around, heart hammering, books completely forgotten.  
‘Is Idril…?’  
‘Yes,’ said Tuor. He looked back at her – and hesitated. ‘…let me go and check if my lady isn’t indisposed,’ he said, closing the door over slightly as he caught the look on her face.  
‘No,’ said Idril, walking to the door. ‘I’m not indisposed.’  
‘Are you sure?’ Tuor asked.  
‘Yes,’ she said, firmly. Tuor pulled the door open again.  


Maeglin looked, if possible, worse. He looked like he’d been running his hands through his hair, and he was strangely pale. He didn’t meet her eyes. ‘Can I speak with you alone, cousin?’  
 _No. No you can’t. You’re scaring me, a lot.  
_ ‘Yes,’ she found herself saying. Look at him, how can I turn him away like that. How can I turn him away when he looks so much like the boy who had just lost both his mother and father in a strange city. ‘Let’s go to the garden.’

Some small relaxing of Maeglin’s mouth could have been relief. Again, something he never usually let show. Taking a deep breath, she moved to step out of the house – but Tuor’s arm was still in the way.  
She looked at him, pointedly. He stared back, eyes searching her for some sign of what was wrong, what this had to do with her distress earlier…  
‘Tuor. Perhaps you could go and ask the kitchen to send some water out to us.’  
He hesitated.  
‘Please,’ she said, meaningfully.  
He let go of the door, and watched them walk around to the small courtyard.

*****  


Maeglin wouldn’t sit. He shifted his weight, one hand across his stomach, and looked around at the high walls, at the sky, at his feet.  
Idril sat on the low marble bench, and waited.  
‘I…should not have pushed you,’ he said, eventually.  
‘No,’ she agreed.  
‘I didn’t…intend to hurt you. I never have.’  
‘I know that,’ she said. It had been a need to escape, she’d seen that immediately, and she’d been more surprised than hurt. ‘And yet you did it.’ A muscle twitched in his cheek. ‘You must’ve really not wanted to answer me,’ said Idril.  
‘I…’ He took a step back. There was silence, except for the birds, and a few muffled noises from the street.  
‘Will you at least tell me why I can’t have an answer to the fairly simple question what’s wrong?’ She asked.  
‘I have answered. Nothing’s wrong.’  
‘Then why did you get so upset that you pushed me?’  
‘I wasn’t upset, I was just…’  
The words hung in the air, obviously false. The silence stretched on, until it became almost unbearable.  
‘Do you forgive me?’ Maeglin asked, eventually.  
‘Yes…’ she said, after a moment.  
‘Then I’ll leave you.’ He made as if to go, and she found she’d sprung off the bench.  
‘I wasn’t finished,’ she told him. ‘Yes, I’ll forgive you, when I understand why you did it. Why you’re so…’  
She could see his shoulders stiffen at this confrontation. ‘Afraid,’ she finished.  
‘I’m not afraid of anything. Why would I be afraid?’  
‘No, I think you’re terrified,’ she said. ‘I think…something is consuming you so much that you can’t hide your feelings from me any more. And other people have noticed too, haven’t they.’  
‘No. There’s nothing to notice.’  
‘But you’re good at this, so you’ve managed to steer them away so far. Salgant’s said something, hasn’t he. Has my father?’  
Maeglin took a step to the side, but she followed. Now they were even closer.  
‘This is ridiculous,’ he said.  
‘Why did you come here if not to tell me what’s wrong?’  
‘I came to apologise for my conduct, which I’ve done-’ he tried to move past her again, but froze as she placed herself firmly in the way. He didn’t want to push her again. He hadn’t wanted to the first time.  
‘You haven’t even explained your conduct,’ she said.  
‘Idril.’ He leaned closer. ‘Move.’  
‘No.’  
Muscles in his jaw twitched, and she flinched as he moved his hand up. But he just brushed a strand of hair from his eyes.  
‘You’re being even more stupid and irrational than usual, Idril. Get out of the way.’  
‘Why?’  
‘Because I want to leave!’  
He rarely raised his voice like that, and the blood was thumping in her ears. His chest was moving up and down faster than it should. You want a row, Maeglin? You think that’ll help?  
…he did, she realised. Anger was easier to let out than fear. If they argued, Tuor would come out, and after loud harsh words Maeglin would get away without confessing what he was afraid of.  
It was hard, but she took a deep breath, and didn’t reply. It was really hard. But she looked him in the eye. He could only hold her gaze a few seconds.  
‘Sit down, Maeglin.’  
‘No, I am leaving, I’ve said all I need to say, I’ve no time for this.’  
‘You do. You came all the way back here to find me. You want to tell me.’  
‘No I don’t,’ he snapped.  
There was a pause, and she restrained herself from pointing out he’d just admitted there was something to tell. They’d both known that from the start.  
‘If you think I can’t leave whenever I wish-’  
‘I know you could shove me out of the way. You’re bigger than me. But I don’t think you will, because you want me to help.’  
He looked at her. And then, unexpectedly, a bitter laugh escaped. He almost choked it back. ‘No. No that’s not it at all.’  
‘What, then?’ she demanded.  
‘You can’t help me.’ He was looking past her now, through her.  
‘Please tell me. Tell me anyway.’  
‘The reason I won’t leave is because I don’t want to hurt you. I can’t see you hurt. I never…that’s the whole point…’  
‘What’s the whole point? Hiding things from me isn’t going to keep me safe.’ She moved her head to try and get his eyes to focus on her. ‘Look at me!’  
He didn’t. Finally she touched his arm, tentatively, and he blinked, drawing away.  
‘Why is it the whole point that you can’t see me hurt?’ she asked, softly. He shook his head. ‘Who’s going to hurt me?’  
‘Nobody.’ His voice was very quiet, and distant. ‘Nobody is. I made sure of that.’  
‘Who was going to?’ she asked. If she kept talking, she wouldn’t panic, she thought. If she kept focusing on him, she wouldn’t need to sit down.  
‘It was to keep you safe,’ he said, as if he wasn’t really listening to himself.  
‘What was? What did you do?’  
‘I had to…only way to keep you safe…’  
Maybe she did need to sit down. Maybe they both did. She took his arm, and he didn’t resist as she led him back to the bench.  
‘Maeglin?’ she prompted. He was still staring ahead, but his hands were trembling now.  
‘Idril, I had no choice. He already knew, and he said you’d be safe if I…and, I had to…to save you…’  
It was hard to swallow when her mouth was dry. ‘What did you have to do?’  
He ran his shaking hands through his hair, and didn’t reply. She waited, heart hammering, then touched his elbow. He started violently this time, and she drew back as well.  
‘Look…look…I’m safe, you’re safe, we’re in the garden,’ she told him. ‘You going to tell me what you did. And then I’m going to help you. Alright? I don’t care if you think I can’t. Just tell me.’  
‘Last…mining expedition,’ he managed.  
‘What happened?’  
‘Orcs. Lots of them.’ He tilted back very slightly, and then forward again.  
‘How did you escape?’ she asked. His shoulders shook with laughter that wasn’t funny at all.  
‘Didn’t.’  
Cold seeped through her head to toe. ‘What…do you mean…?’  
He was still rocking, slightly.  
‘But you’re here, you must’ve escaped somehow,’ she said.  
‘He let me go.’ It was almost too quiet to hear. ‘It…it doesn’t matter. It’s too late. He already knows.’  
How the day could still be bright and filled with birdsong she couldn’t imagine. She blinked once, feeling strangely light. ‘What are you saying, Maeglin.’  
His lips pressed together.  
‘You…Morgoth knows where we are?’  
‘He already knew.’  
‘How can you have been there…why would he let you go…’ Perhaps because Maeglin would be missed, and it would take time to ready the invasion force. It was almost unbelievable. But the way Maeglin shivered made it horribly real.  
‘He said if I told him, he’d let you escape. He already knew. I had to tell him.’  
‘You told him where we are?’  
‘He already knew.’ Without warning he looked up, and his eyes completely silenced her. Wide, panicked, despairing. ‘I had to.’  
Both of them were breathing shallowly, she realised. What have you done, Maeglin…  
Two warm hands landed on her shoulders. ‘There’s still time,’ said Tuor. ‘With the Way of Escape, we can start getting people out now.’  
‘How long have you been here?’ Idril asked.  
‘A while. After what you’ve said about him I didn’t think you’d want to be left completely alone. But then I saw that if I interrupted…well, you didn’t need me.’  
I need you now, she thought. ‘Can you…send a messenger to Father?’  
‘No!’ Maeglin blurted out.  
‘He has to order the evacuation, now,’ she said, her mind racing. Where is Eärendil-  
‘He won’t condemn you,’ said Tuor. She looked up in confusion, but he was looking at Maeglin. ‘I don’t know what Morgoth did to you, to make you talk, but everyone knows you’re no coward. The King will be furious, certainly. Furious at what they did to the nephew he loves.’  
Maeglin’s blank expression cracked. He covered his face with his hands, and his whole body started to shake.  
‘I’ll be right back,’ Tuor promised, squeezing Idril’s shoulders gently. ‘Tell him about the Way of Escape?’  
She almost reached out to stop him as he let go and strode off. Instead, she awkwardly touched Maeglin’s shoulder.  
‘We might be able to get away. Most of us. There’s a tunnel…’ Hopefully it wasn’t too late.


End file.
